“...And I love that.”

Kyle Cease; comedian, actor and transformational speaker

 

Frozen in Time...

By

Danita Banko

   The story of my life is not so much unlike anyone else's story. Things have happened in my life that even now as I enter my 59th year of life on planet Earth, I still do not understand.

    I have had a wide variety of experiences in my life stemming from choices I've made. I've been an opera singer, I've been a drug addict and now the owner of my own cleaning service. Why I made these decisions is often still a mystery to me. This is my story, and I own everything about it. Nothing actually "happened" to me. I chose to have these experiences in my life for reasons that I've yet to understand....

   I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon. I look back on my childhood with gratitude that I could play and walk to school with my friends in safety. I had parents who loved me. Was I perfectly happy all the time? No. But, I am thankful to have been allowed to be myself.

    When I was seven years old, my stepfather at the time took sexual pleasure with me. I did not understand what was happening, but was accepting and trusting. I was a free spirit open to all life had to offer. Then at that one moment, I felt that something was OFF. I did not know what had happened, so I kept it inside. Many years went by. My stepfather made his transition, and I had a moment with my mother, and I told her about what had happened.

She looked at me and said, "I just knew something had happened." She went on to say, “There was this day after school when you just came to me and held me and cried, and I asked you what was wrong, and you could not tell me anything, but I had a feeling in my gut that it had something to do with him. I don't know why, but I just knew."

    Why didn't I speak up? I felt that if I did it would blow the whole family apart and I was not ready to be responsible for such consequences. There would be another divorce and even more upset and grief than I could bear. I felt that the turmoil would be way too much and it felt much safer to leave it inside. I was not able to understand or verbalize what had happened. I was stunned. Frozen in time so to speak. Some part of me remained frozen for many years. It takes awhile to thaw these things out; there is no "microwave" for these types of things within the human psyche. We must open the freezer compartment and take the item out and let it soften so we can work with it and get a feel of it.

    Piece by piece it begins to reveal itself to me. It is me. I am revealing myself to me. I allowed this event to occur. You may say, "Wait a minute, you were only seven., You were too young to know." Perhaps, but now after all these years, I have come to understand that things really do happen for reasons beyond my human scope. From time to time I get a flash of brilliant clarity that broadens my perspective, and I feel pieces of the pain fall away. I trust that this is all part of my mission and that things are working themselves out in perfect timing, I trust that they are!

    I know I am not alone! I am never alone. My story is not new; it is not uncommon. Yes, it's a bummer that it happened and that life here couldn't be more pristine. But, I also recognize that I am alive and well and coming through all that stuff, and my brilliance is returning. I have chosen to come to life again, and I fully expect to have a healthy intimate relationship with the man who has been by my side for the past 13 years. I'll admit it's been a bit rough emotionally, but the beauty of a diamond isn't revealed overnight, now is it?

About Danita:

Danita Banko currently lives in Bend, Oregon. She has a bachelor of arts degree in music, has been a voice instructor, and has performed opera around the state of Oregon. This is her first time writing for the public. She enjoys doing improv in Bend and also loves the art and science of essential oils. She loves meditating every morning, knowing this brings clarity and healing from the inside out. Danita is always listening for her next calling in life. She and her husband have their own residential cleaning service, so until otherwise noted Danita will be cleaning homes in the Bend area.

 

This story is an excerpt from our new ebook, SPARKS of INSPIRATION Kindle Edition #2.

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